Matt Hazard

Halloween came and went, and I did not crack. Christmas came with all its dessert glory, chocolates and wine, and I did not falter. My workplace stocked up on Wagonwheel biscuits in the snack cabinet, and my resolve shattered like a single glass pane against a Wayne Gretzky slapshot.

Lord knows how hard I’ve tried over the last few years to keep the weight down, and the scary part is I didn’t see this coming. It wasn’t until today at work when I caught an extremely unflattering reflection of myself on an iPad screen that I noticed the lifeboat under my chin.

When did this happen?

Sadly, spiraling into victimatic questioning is only a waste of my own time, because I know exactly when this began – when we started getting chocolate desserts at work after the new year.

I’m not a candy guy, I generally don’t have a sweet tooth, and I can stay away from chips, but chocolate is a different animal. Every time I see an unwrapped chocolate bar sitting in a forgotten drawer, my forehead starts to sweat and I begin the transformation from respectable coworker to Gollum.

Precious.

The worst part isn’t even the visible weight gain – it’s more that I don’t even really like Wagonwheels. I’ve never been particular about marshmallows. Hell, I even hate the damn song. It was that small chocolate coating that lured me in and kept me coming back for more.

The fallout is about as bad as the addiction. An internal probe at work ousted me as ‘the Wagonwheel guy‘, and my wife is encouraging me to exercise again. I’m not banned from the snack bar at work, but with judging eyes on me whenever I’m near it, I may as well be walking around with a ‘heckle me’ sign on my back. Honestly, I’d rather take the ban.

On the plus side (nod to my weight), the Wagonwheels are gone. I saw to that before I got caught. And even though they may sing that damned song in the lunch room, at least the temptation is no longer an issue. Although I did hear that we’re getting KitKat bars in the next snack order. And those are my favourites. My precious..