Where I have little doubt that marriage is absolutely a confession of love for your partner until the end of time (as the promise goes), it is also no doubt the beginning of a lifelong war. The stakes? Your sanity. The reward? That blissful sheen of sweat upon your brow that you’ve earned from the victory lap after a battle of wits. Let’s explore.
Marriage can be an opportunity for some healthy competition between spouses, but before you get too carried away it’s important to lay out some ground rules. These rules, while mostly unspoken, are observed between both parties who’ve taken the vows. And just like a card game, there are always additional rules that are snuck in against the knowledge of the other party, but let’s take a brief look at the base model rule set in any marriage.
Standard Rules of War
The Rules of Engagement
This is laid out in your vows. The promises made are not meant to be broken, on the contrary, they’re meant to be enforced by any means necessary. If you promised to be there when you partner is sick but instead headed out that one time because your friend was in town…that’s a logistical nightmare you’re going to have to explain.
Commander-in-chief
We should establish this early on, and let me speak from a wealth of personal experience – there is and can only be one, and gentlemen it’s not you. That doesn’t mean you can’t stage a coup from time to time, but always realize this is going to come with consequences. When you do, the payout had better be worth it, or may God have mercy on your souls. See ‘blockade’ below
Psychological Warfare
Gentlemen, prepare for this one. I cannot stress this enough, you are not going to be as well equipped as the enemy. For she is cunning, swift, and unforgiving. Just like you were when you didn’t go easy on her that time you convinced her to play Xbox with you. Now you are behind enemy lines, and she’s got home field advantage. Good luck, soldier.
Common Battlegrounds
The terrain where most of the war is waged. Typically done at the residence, the precise locations within can vary but the most common battlefield is the bathroom. This contested land often yields a flag from both parties from time to time, but one tends to hold the fort the majority of the time, if not indefinitely. If you’re moving in for an invasion, be sure to secure and barricade behind you, as this is a difficult zone to hold down for long.
The Demilitarized Zone
This area is specifically established to be free from action, a sort of sanctuary safe haven, battle free zone. Simply put, this is always the in-laws place.
Key Definitions
In addition to the rule set laid out above, there are also some key definitions that don’t hurt to know before engaging the enemy – be that in conversation or with a ring.
Intelligence
Little tidbits of intel that can be used against one another in future arguments. A classic example is getting caught in the lie of having taken out the garbage, when a simple review of the Ring cam footage says otherwise.
Ambush
Getting blindsided by your spouse’s friends. This can be in the form of an interrogation, or an unexpected drop-in visit in the form of a surprise birthday party.
Blockade
The act of cutting one off from coitus. This is a particularly devious tactic used in war games, often used as a bargaining chip.
Ground Zero
The precise location where an event took place, such as a prank or bribe. These areas are commonly brought up in later debates as the source of ‘everything that went wrong’ for an individual. Whenever mentioned, the individual talking tends to use a lot of animated hand gestures.
Booby Trap
An antipersonnel device designed to catch one off guard, like an ominously placed last slice of pie in the fridge which could be used as leverage to drag you to the ballet after you’ve consumed it. Also commonly referred to as the noticeable female attribute that roped you into the relationship in the first place.
The Wrap Up
Hopefully by now I’ve painted a bit of a word picture on what you can expect out there in the wild. Bear in mind, rules are often added without notice and the landscape can change, and so a good marital soldier has to learn to adapt.
And yes, I realize the list above sounds rather barbaric, but just remember that the key to a happy marriage lies in the laughter and experiences. Engaging in war games with your spouse is one way to keep things interesting, if not inevitable. May as well have a little fun with it. At times it will escalate and the pranks and verbal digs will go a little too far, but it’s up to you both to disengage and hit the reset button. Just as long as she stops mentioning your hairline. Because the second you become angry you’ve already lost. And no one likes a booby trap that leads to a blockade.
Matt Hazard 
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