Being able to make my wife laugh on a daily basis is one of the best qualities in our marriage. And sometimes, just because she finds it funny, I’ll tell her stories of my youth that are embarrassing.
We were upstairs in the kitchen after dinner, and she had just grabbed a Coke Zero from the fridge and placed it on the counter. Being the real ass that I am, I thought it’d be funny to hide it up high on a shelf and make her play Hotter or Colder until she finds it.
She insisted that if I want to be “funny” – she did the finger quotes and all – that I should just tell her a story instead. So I indulged her.
I told her about the time back when I was 17 years old and clueless on how to talk to women. I was out with my cousin, his girlfriend, and her lady friends driving around town. The girls were giggling amongst each other and telling stories about how dumb their male counterparts were. I was especially interested in this topic, because being a single male with little to no experience in the dating world, I thought maybe I could pick up a tip or two.
Apparently, when one of the boyfriends was asked by his lady if he thought she looked pretty that day, he replied with a “Well, you’re no Cameron Diaz, but I think you’re hot!” This angered the flock of ladies, and at the time, I was confused.
I was taught that ‘honesty is always the best policy’, but I must have missed the lesson on ‘except when talking to women about answers that they’re expecting‘.
I, being the young lad who was constantly looking to self improve, asked what was wrong with that sort of answer. Out loud. While my cousin was driving. I remember seeing the sweat start to bead around his forehead as his eyes got wide.
“Uhh, what do you mean what’s wrong with that answer?” one of the girls asked. Or snarled, it was really more of a snarl.
“Is that a serious question?” barked asked another. “The answer is always to tell us that we’re hotter.”
“Well, was she of equal or greater hottness than Cameron Diaz, though? I mean, if the ratios were off, or not even close…and let’s be honest that’s a decently high bar to set. Logically speaking, of course.” The irony is I wasn’t even good at math, but I wasn’t one to pass up an opportunity to use what I thought I knew.
Three things happened at once. I found out the girlfriend in question was in the car with us, my cousins face was turning a tinge of purple I’d never seen before, and I made the decision to jump out the car at the nearest 7/11 with the excuse of needing a pack of cigarettes and catching a bus home. I don’t smoke, but I did buy the cigarettes in case they were watching.
My wife was laughing, and then gave me a quizzical look, asking if that really happened. I looked her dead in the eye, smiling, and said every word. She burst out in hysterics.
Obviously I know better now how to speak to women, or any human being for that matter. I am married, after all.
She asked me then, as she was slowly walking through the kitchen towards her drink that I hid on top of a shelf earlier. “So where’s that drink? Am I getting hot or cold?”
I looked at her and smiled. “Well, you’re no Cameron Diaz, but you’re getting hotter.”
Matt Hazard 
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