Matt Hazard

I’ve just entered my second day of a three week staycation, and already I’m getting antsy.  My wife said to me, she says, “if you’re so bored why don’t you learn to clean the house?”  Fair point.  And so after a lengthy mid morning nap, I decided to have a go at the very overlooked kitchen cabinets.  Now, I’m not sure if you’re familiar with what the aftermath of an earthquake looks like, but I live in south central Canada, and therefore I’ve got zero excuse for how this shit was laid out.  Rolling up the sleeves on my sleeveless tank top, I put on my manliest pair of rubbermaid gloves and got straight to work.  The relics that I found rivalled that of an Indiana Jones movie.

Among an expired canister of hot cocoa that I think maybe have been from an old roommate of thirteen years ago, I found two closed packages of instant potatoes.  That expired back in 2010.  This would be less weird if we didn’t move homes in 2020…because that means those things were packed up and brought here.  Deliberately.  

The funny thing about cabinets is that they have limited storage space, and when stocked completely full we tend to cross our eyes in a blank stare while gazing past the boxes of stale cereal.  We don’t take the time to realize that the entire cupboard is actually full of crap that’s past due.  Even though we see these old unwanted items, they are often overlooked and left forgotten.

Then it hit me.  This is a hilariously obvious cliche for life, and it would be unjust to not poke fun at it.

The full cabinet syndrome (or F.C.S for short), also holds true to human nature.  We can only load so much into our lives before plans and ideas become so over-cluttered that they fall to the back burner, only to be forgotten.  Remember that old friend you bumped into at the store you promised to call to make plans with “soon”?  Yeah, that memory got moved to the back of the brain cabinet the second you loaded up Netflix.  Some things we file internally expire faster than others, like the constant reminder nag to take out the garbage.  Yup, two weeks in a row I’ve missed the recycling day, and now we’re living among empty Pepsi Zero cans in the kitchen.  I’ve been asked multiple times to clean that tin tower up, to which I reply “Stop being soda pressing.”  She hates my puns.

We blaze through life heavily reliant on modern day technology and yet still, with all the agendas and virtual planners available on the free internet, we still are as lost as we were in the 90s.  Probably even more so now, with so many more distractions.  Three times while writing this I’ve alt-tabbed over to YouTube to see updates on the Canadian Liberal party falling apart.  I hate politics.  And I especially hate YouTube.

Look, I can’t speak for anyone but myself, but my inner cabinets are busting at the seams with forgotten tasks and rotting plans that will never get the follow up they deserve. Does that make me a bad person? No. Does it make me a bad friend? Probably. I could be a little more proactive and stop overwhelming myself by not being such a ‘yes’ man and letting people down…but that would probably involve some sort of personal growth that I’m not ready for in the month of December during vacation. I’ve got a lot on my plate already, and that beer isn’t going to drink itself. Besides, that’s what the new year is for! Brand new goals that will make us all better people, all filed away into our little mental cabinets, one resolution at a time.

Happy holidays!