Matt Hazard

October can be a fun and busy month, from dreaming up creative costume ideas and making them a reality, all the way to bringing family together to carve pumpkins just to show off in your front window.  Or in my case, nothing better to do on a Sunday afternoon.  So screw it.  We carved pumpkins.  Where my cousins obsession with Batman is clearly prominent, I chose to make the classic Spidey lantern to watch over me while I sleep.  And yes, I realize it’s a fire hazard.

To anyone who isn’t clear on what my attempt at this halloween costume is, I decided to go with Allan from the movie The Hangover.  Sporting a wig (because my hair isn’t as epic) and real leather satchel – same model as the one used in the movie might I add – I am now stuck with the post halloween realization that I should probably start going back to the gym to lose the gut.  And perhaps shave the beard.

Where making a grand return to the gym is always easier said than done, I’ve made a much larger sacrifice to shape my manly figure and fatten the wallet – I’ve weaned myself off of Boston Pizza.  To most people avoiding a restaurant isn’t a big deal, but to anyone who’s seen the movie Shaun of the Dead, Boston Pizza is totally my “Winchester”.  It’s my go-to place for dinner, post hockey beers, NHL game time beers, my default date location (probably why I’m still single), and general recommendation when people ask me where to go for eats.  Also, I’ve been there alone.  More than once.  So cutting it out is sort of a big deal for me.

Dealing with the subject of the beard, I’m half torn on what to do.  As per the friendly competition, I am now able to shave it off.  Now, before the competition I may not have looked like a regular Hollywood babe magnet, but next to the Lumberjack look I’ve got going on right now I looked like Ryan Reynolds in comparison.  So thats the choice now…keep the beard and all its glory, or shave and re-enter the dating world.  Contrary to popular belief, this is actually a tough choice for an alpha male. Now I truly understand the meaning of that famous statement, “With great beard comes great responsibility.”

Which leads me to my final ultimatum – what the deuce do I do with the satchel?  I could always sell it off, or sport it on my many adventures I so often go on.  I’ve kind of grown fond of it.  It IS great for holding Skittles, might I add.  I suppose the answer at this point is completely obvious.  Keep it, so long as I still have the beard to match.  After all, Indiana Jones had one.

So, as for the chin sweater?  At least if I decide to keep it, I could always fill in for Harley Morenstein on Epic Meal Time.